Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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