Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
