My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
