Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
