I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
