why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
