don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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