I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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