Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
