He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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