Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
