Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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