even my farts smell like vagina
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
