Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize