I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
