I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
