I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
