I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
