I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
