uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize