I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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