i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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