You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
