Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
