woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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