While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize