i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
