Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
