all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
