Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
