You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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