White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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