I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
