Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize