i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
