Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
