then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
