Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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