you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
