Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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