Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
