Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
