Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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