somebody snuck up and got me drunk
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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