i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
