Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize