smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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