i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
