My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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