we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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