Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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