i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
