i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
