I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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