ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
