she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
