Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
