In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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