New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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