I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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