I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
