I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Who put my cat in the fridge?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
