I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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