last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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