Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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