Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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