i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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