I cockslap morals
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
