Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
