If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
