I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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