She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
