Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize